My Inner "Thinny's" Outward Journey - Post 1 Injection Day

So, long time no blog. For that, I apologize.

Since I last posted I have: 

1. had baby number 2 (Who is now 2)
2. gained an enormous amount of weight (60lbs)
3. visited a weight loss clinic (for the first time, EVER!)

Disclaimer: I don't like fat (on me)!

I am not used to being fat! I have always been thick, but not fat. This is the heaviest I have ever been (a whopping 216lbs). Loss (of my mother New Years Eve 2017), stress, marriage, finances, kids, and minor bouts of depression have all taken a toll on my once fit body. Nothing fits right, or looks right so I wear the same comfortable clothes again and again.

But, two weeks ago, I decided to make a change. The weather broke and I began walking with my youngest son's god-mother, Ann. Ann doesn't need to lose any weight, but she is a good Samaritan for the cause! Although I didn't weigh myself prior to walking, I feel that I have lost some pounds. (That would mean that I was LARGER than 216 about a week ago...smh). 

Then, revelation came! I saw one of my best friends (and her twin sister) and witnessed the rapid weight loss that had occurred since I last saw them two months ago. One lost 20lbs and the other close to 30lbs. I was like, "I need some of that in my life!" What was their secret? I had to know! And they told me...B12/phentermine injections along with a fat burner, once a month.

So, I looked up the Right Weight Clinic in Greenbelt, set my sights on a Wednesday appointment, filled out the paperwork and got my shot in the butt, today. Average size needle. See photo below.

I will continue to blog my experience and journey to a new and improved, skinty me! A before pic is also above.
I am also vlogging on YouTube, so look me up and subscribe to see progress! You can watch my first vlog here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsKM9l870nw

And the End is Within Sight ...

When I last blogged in June, I was 9 weeks and miserable. I am now 31 weeks (and still miserable). There are new developments, though:

First, I am having a boy. Little Mister Faith is appropriately named – Justin Leal Botts. Justin meaning – just, upright, righteous; and Leal meaning Faithful. But as one of my close friends pointed out Just-In-Faith!

I was shocked when I found out that I was having another boy, but relieved when I had time to think about it. I will not have to deal with all the girly emotions, make-up and clothes. I will have another "mother-lover"! Sons, usually, adore there moms. I pray that this is the same with Justin.

Second, Justin is a baby ninja in the belly! My little rib-hugger (who sits under my right rib for most of the day) is also a kickboxer. He packs quite a punch and he is SUPER active! He kicks all night and getting sleep is hard to do, hence the misery. Also, because he is a  rib-hugger, my heartburn is EXTREME! Fortunately, I have Pepcid and Zantac for that!

GREAT NEWS! I do not have gestational diabetes! I had to endure the grueling 3 hour test of straight sugar in a drink (glucose) and having my blood drawn 4 times in 3 hours, but the result was golden! And am I EVER grateful to God! The hours of waiting wasn't so bad because I entertained myself with crocheting a baby blanket.

At this point in life, my house is a wreck, I get winded at the thought of walking and all I want to do is crochet and sleep – if Justin would let me!

31 weeks and counting ... COME ON week 40!

Oh Pregnancy ... What a Joy [Pain]!

I was told that during this time of pregnancy, I should journal my thoughts, feelings, etc. I am quite sure those who suggested this post did not have what I am about to portray in mind.

While you may think of pregnancy as an intimate time of mother-bonding and portrait taking...moments remiss if you aren't cherishing your "bump", I am not like minded. 

You see, I am –by no means– in love with being pregnant. After suffering through my first (miserable) pregnancy with my son (who is soon to be 10 years old) and the loss of 4 angels, the novelty of pregnancy is far from gone. Adios, out the window, caput, GONE.

I find nothing joyous about sore-HUGE breasts, an unflattering waistline, a distorted baby bump (B-shaped), miserable weight gain, flatulence, heartburn, the stabbing pains of hunger, overeating, overwhelming fatigue and let's not mention the super sense of smell that has me hating everything with a scent (including my scalp). When I was prego with my son (not currently happening in this pregnancy – I had bad acne, the mask of pregnancy and gestational diabetes). I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be talked to or approached, all I want is sleep AND for this baby to come out. In fact, I wish he (my devoted husband) could carry the baby!

If one more jolly woman comes by me talking about how wonderful pregnancy is I will chop her in her throat (literally, that is what my pumped up levels of progesterone and hormones want me to do, however, I do know better than to act it out!) CHOP! (Jesus be a fence, PLEASE!)

Did I mention that I haven't even cleared the first trimester, yet?

Yes, I am 9 weeks and a day and my new resident could not –healthy, fullterm and whole– vacate the premises sooner!

Don't get me wrong. This baby is a miracle. She stormed into the world, very unexpectedly, after a miscarriage just weeks prior. I never even had a cycle between the loss and the new pregnancy. (Yes, my husband has super sperm and I am super fertile, obviously). I secretly longed for a child, but would dismiss the notion with thoughts like these: Um...your almost 40 (now 40), your grands –by marriage– will be older than your baby (still true), there goes my freedom (my son is often with his biological father). Selfish thoughts of enjoying my life after my son goes to college. Not of raising children 10 years apart. And though I love this baby, I do not love being pregnant and ultimately am not in love with what it means for my lifestyle.

But then there is the thought of holding, and nurturing and caring for "lil Miss Faith" (yes, I believe the baby is a girl and her name will be Faith). I am in love with that, but pregnancy is for the birds whales!

It's All Under Control

Copastetic.
Cool, Calm and Collected – I am, or so it appears.
The perception is I have it altogether.
It's been that way for years.
I have no desires, no needs unmet,
   no doubts or worry, no reason to fret.
Everything is "Surface Fine"
I'm cool, I'm smooth as a baby's behind
I don't need you to rock this boat.
Keep your turbulence at bay.
Don't bring those changes or waves my way.
I like this "pseudo peace" in shallow water.
Yell at me? Why I ought to!
I realize I row my boat but I'm getting nowhere,
   gaining no ground
I am spinning upside down, round and round
Drunk with the illusion that I am getting along, 
   safely cruising - so far gone.
Yes, I am stagnant; so why won't you let me be?
This is the closest I've ever known of peace…
   with no relief and no time to spare.
I chop it up to I just don't care.
Unaware, that I am hurting everyone including myself.
I have to admit this can't continue…
Lord, I need Your help!

Have you ever been so complacent with a bad situation that you are satisfied to stay in the mess so you avoid the conflict that resolve will bring? Have you walked the same path so long that it feels like it's right, so you just keep treading, over and over again? Do you feel like you are in a vortex, perhaps stuck in "Ground-hog's Day", repeating the same lame while playing the blame game (it's everyone else's problem, but yours) Clearly, they all need to get the clue – until one day you realize you've been clueless and You are comfortably uncomfortable with your state in life?

GET UP, GET OUT, DO Something! Acknowledge where you are, access where you want to go, and advance to where you want to be. Take ACTION, NOW!

Faith is action. You can love until you are blue in the face, but until you demonstrate that love, you are just blue and so am I. It takes your actions to tell the truth. Whatever a man thinks, he does.  If you want the situation to change, be the change in the situation. You dictate your circumstances. You choose your thoughts, your path. You have free will and you decide who you are walking with, who you are helping, and who you choose not to enable. This life and its choices are YOURS. Choose wisely. Think to yourself, "What would Jesus do?"

Proverbs 4:5-7 “Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth. Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee. Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/15-wisdom-quotes-from-the-bible/#ixzz2DMcUxHo5

Get wisdom, get understanding: forget it not; neither decline from the words of my mouth. Forsake her not, and she shall preserve thee: love her, and she shall keep thee. Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. ~Proverbs 4:5-7

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/15-wisdom-quotes-from-the-bible/#ixzz2DMcUxHo5

TGBTG!

~TQ

And...Oh, There's Revelation

Blinders, we all wear blinders at some point or another in our lives. We choose not to see, what is directly in front of us because we are complacent with how "things" are. We don't want to adapt, often don't want to think. We seek self-indulging pleasures and material gains. We surround ourselves with people and things that mean no harm but do us no good. We are subject to our devices and vices, constantly seeking the next big thrill. We live for the love of money, honey, cars, food, work, children, vacationing, and yet we won't take the time or make the effort to walk, talk, and praise the God who granted us this extended stay. He is the source of true joy. All else is fleeting, but God's love is everlasting. But we are content, even often as Christians, to walk with the world in it's temporary pleasures and comforts. That is, until adversity comes upon us.

It takes a loss (be it physical or mental) for us to wake up and realize that we have been walking around with scales on our eyes, like Paul; blinded to God's truth. Society is suffocating in our lustful ways. We need revelation. We need the scales to fall from our eyes so that we can see the truth and know that it is always present. And the truth will set you free. That truth is Christ. We need Holy Spirit-inspired discernment for a purposeful and fruitful existence.

When something is revealed, it is communicated, uncovered, exposed and disclosed. Your mind's eye is opened and you see the veracity, therefore, you are are enlightened with understanding. You have to dig deep within and purge yourself from the shackles of your situation to step into a life aligned with the will of God. It is only there that true peace and happiness is found - even in the midst of adversity.

There is an entire book in the Bible that holds truths for Jesus' triumphant return - appropriately entitled, Revelations. We read and ponder this text in awe, but we suffer with finding that same truth in our daily lives. We walk around with blinders, submitting ourselves to our own desires and agendas and constantly wondering why our happiness is remiss. We have to desist these pitfalls by relying on our only source of strength - Jesus! "I will never leave you or forsake you" is what He has promised us. But, we have to invite Him in, yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit, strive daily to walk with God and not run against your grain, your foundation, the reason for your life.

Open Your Eyes - "O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusts in him." (Psalm 34:8)

TGBTG!

~TQ

When You Hit The Jersey-Wall...

Over our lifetimes, we travel many highways. For the most part we stay in our lanes. But, occasionally, we get distracted and wander over the lines. We allow our thoughts, facebook status, children, romantic interests, problems or other people's problems to move us out of our lane. This continues until we hit a wall...

Walls, walls, walls are everywhere! We throw up walls, when situations arise. We collide with walls of unresolved issues and everyday distractions. We help build walls dabbling in people's business. We hit wall, after wall, trying to do everything with our own strength.

A good friend of mine told me a story of how she was driving and she swerved to avoid an accident and in turn, hit a jersey-wall. Her car bounced off the wall and put her back in her lane. When she pulled over and examined the car, not a scratch was on it. The jersey-wall had reordered her route and saved her life.

I am hear to tell you that there is one wall that you can hit, anytime, when you need direction. This jersey-wall is rock-solid with supernatural strength. There is no storm, test, or trial that will displace it and no man that can move it. It is mortared with blood and anchored in solid ground. It gives direction to the directionless, discernment to the blind, light in bouts of darkness, joy in sorrows and blessings for days to come.

No, this is not your average, roadside, jersey-wall. This wall, this rock, is Jesus! There is not a problem that you cannot bounce back from when you turn it over to Him!

Allow the Lord to be your guide, His Word to be your vehicle with prayer as your driving axle and faith as your steering wheel!

Don't allow your life to hit the wall, in any other circumstance in order for you to recognize that you need God's love and direction. Once you seek Him, when you cross the line on your chosen path Jesus will set you back on your journey and see to it that you reach your destination, safely!

I thank God, for my Jersey-Wall...Drive Carefully!

TGBTG (To God Be The Glory)! ~TQ
©2011 by Turquoise C.A. Hayes

It's Nice Knowing "You"...

In this life, we journey on many quests. We venture out seeking education and higher learning, job opportunities, friendships, companionship, acquaintances, and love. Our beings revolve around relationships, or the lack thereof, and often we find ourselves remiss – searching for something we are innately missing deep within.

We reach out to others, in hopes that they have that special something to fill that void. We try drugs, sex, and alcohol to assuage that aching, empty feeling. But, nothing seems to do the trick. There is something that we missed. The puzzle seems almost complete. We're so close to happiness but, it escapes us just as we reach to grasp it.

You ask yourself, "What is wrong? What am I missing?"

The answer is YOU.

We spend so much time focused on others – what she's got, who he's with, what my neighbor's driving, how my co-worker got promoted – that we fail to take a look at and know ourselves. We have no idea who we are.

If you ask the average person who they are, they will define themselves by what they do and what they have. But, who you are is far greater than what can be seen to the outside world. Who you are on the inside is what truly defines you and makes up your character. Therefore, we need to get our inner man on the up and up – you know, get our insides right!

That missing piece, that quest, this journey; begins with you. Until you recognize who you are – beyond the hurt, above your trials, ahead of your afflictions, beneath your grief, through your triumphs, in those quiet hours, in moments of praise – you will be lost on that same, lonesome path.

Identifying who you are is no walk in the park. It is not an easy or quickly orchestrated task. It is an intimate journey on which you examine every inch of your being. What you seek to define is your strong points, faults, strengths, weaknesses, concerns, prejudices – examining yourself as if you were diagnosed and trying to expel an infectious disease. You leave no stone unturned and no issue unattended until you know who you are. Remembering, that you are more than the wrongs you've done, more than the mistakes you've made. You are more than a moment in time and much more than a memory. Learn to forgive yourself and learn to love you.

Loving yourself doesn't mean taking on a selfish spirit. It is not self-centeredness and making each and everything revolve around you. It simply means embracing this life and your right to live in it, peacefully. Coming to terms with your inner man. Doing so, brings you a level of happiness that cannot be purchased...

My friends, I don't suggest that you move through such an undertaking alone. One of the reasons you have circled back to this same issue over and over is because you thought that you can find you all by yourself. (And you see how far you've gotten on your own.) You are not alone. The same help that I have – the same resource that keeps raising me up – the same light unto my path is waiting to help you. All you have to do IS ASK.

Jesus is my help. Without Him I have nothing and there is no me to know. But, with Him there is nothing impossible and nothing I can't conquer. Even when the quest is to know myself. So everyday, now that He is the head of my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "It's Nice Knowing You."

TGBTG (To God Be The Glory)! ~TQ
©2011 by Turquoise C.A. Hayes